A Thriving Marriage-Book of the Week

Marriage should be based on love, right? But does it seem as though you and your spouse are speaking two different languages? New York Times bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman guides couples in identifying, understanding, and speaking their spouse’s primary love language—quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.

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“Get Out and Dance”-A Thriving Marriage Tip of the Month

Recently my wife and I took a dance class as a birthday present to her. She loves to dance and we enjoy dancing together. It had been a few years since we took any dance classes and we enjoyed getting back into the routines.

As we learning some new steps the dance instructor noticed that some of us needed help with form. He wanted to help us learn how to connect better with our partners so that the dancing would flow better and look more graceful.

The exercises that we did helped us couples to move in sync. The men learned how to lead the women and the women learned how to follow. We learned that the couple danced better when a solid body connection was maintained and when eye contact was achieved. Each partner had to do his or her part for the dancing to flow naturally and smoothly.

After these technique exercises he brought back in the new dance steps and we did so much better. No longer were couples so focused on their feet to make sure they did it right. Instead they were dancing in fluid motions around the dance floor in more natural artistic motions, regardless if they got all of the steps right.

Dancing is a great parallel for marriage. It teaches couples how to communicate using non-verbal messages and motions. Couples that dance reaffirm the importance of moving as one, doing his or her part to make the dance a work of art, and to get out and have fun with each other.

My wife and I remembered that through dancing, not only was it fun and good exercise, but that we created a great bond while on the dance floor. We also had a planned date each week for 8 weeks. It is important to date your spouse and have fun doing it. Besides, Irving Berlin taught in his musical, White Christmas, that “Dancing is Romancing.”

So, check out your local dance studio for lessons or open dancing hours. Get out and dance with your spouse and have fun working at your Thriving Marriage.

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“Conflict Avoidance”-A Thriving Marriage tip of the Month

Conflict avoidance is the worst thing for healthy communication in a marriage. Couples think that if they can’t communicate they should not try at all. Eventually this leads to all sorts of things that get out of control.

“In the beginning, we avoid conflict because we are in love and we believe that “staying in love” is about agreeing, about NOT fighting”, says Diane Sollee from Smart Marriages. Having a thriving marriage is not having perfect marriage that is without any flaw or area of incompatibility. Most healthy marriages have at least 10 areas that might not ever be resolved (Solee, 2010).

If couples stop communicating, how can they work out some of the most important issues like finances, calendars, and intimacy? It is no wonder that these issues take so much flack as the greatest causes of divorce when it is conflict avoidance.

As a former financial planner, I dealt with all kinds of couples. It was easy to spot conflict avoiders because they were the couples that had no answers to important financial questions or had very different answers because “they never talked about money”. Don’t be this couple.

Here are 3 easy steps to take to face conflict avoidance:

1. Identify an issue that keeps coming up and write it down.
2. Set an appointed time to discuss these issues.
3. Agree to talk one at a time about the issue until you find the correct course of action.

Don’t fall into the hidden trap of Conflict Avoidance. Remember that the issues are not the problem; it is how we handle them. Conflict Avoidance will ruin your marriage and lead quietly to Divorce.