“Couples that say “We”.”-A Thriving Marriage Tip of the Month

A recent study at University of California, Berkeley, showed that language has a lot to do with how satisfied couples are in their marriage.
“In a study of Researchers analyzed 154 middle-aged and older married couples talking about disagreements. The conversations between those who used the “we” words went more smoothly and were less physically stressful on both sides.” NY Dailynews.com

The couples that referred to themselves as “I” were less satisfied is this study. “Individuality is a deeply ingrained value in American society, but, at least in the realm of marriage, being part of a ‘we’ is well worth giving up a bit of ‘me,’” said Robert Levenson,

This is evidence that when couples who have a True Commitment to their marriage, they will oftentimes use language to express that. Just like in sports where one team can have an All-star but never win a game, and another team that plays together will. Marriage is about being a partner and exemplifying the team attitude.

So, “If you want to be Happy for the rest of your life”…say “We”. Go Team!

True Commitment is the 2nd Vital Principle for a Thriving Marriage and can be read about at www.travisparry.com.

Bankruptcy and Divorce: The Twin Terrors.

In America, there seems to be an increasing trend of Bankruptcies and Divorces. These twin terrors cause depression, heart-ache, and broken families. Is there any reason why these issues are so closely linked and what can be done to solve the problem?

According to the United States Department of Justice, bankruptcy filings have grown overall from about 110,000 in 1960, to over 1.4 million in 2009. This is about 32% of Americans. The percentage of divorce has also increased in this country from around 30% of first marriages in the 1970s, to over 51% in the late 1990s (US Census Bureau, 2002) . Why are both divorces and bankruptcies over the last 40 years growing at such ridiculously high rates?

According to Elizabeth Warren, (2002) 91% of bankruptcy filers have suffered a job loss, medical event or divorce. It is clear that divorces can contribute to causes of bankruptcy. So the question is, “Can bankruptcy cause divorce?”
The answer to this question is answered by Rachel Foley, a Bankruptcy Attorney in Kansas City, Mo in her article Does Bankruptcy cause Divorce?.

Foley says a high percentage of her clients were coming back after the bankruptcy to file divorce and she wanted to analyze why. “At this point I get two phone calls. The first is that they want to get out of bankruptcy and the second is they want to file for divorce because they blame each other for the current situation” (Foley, 2008).

Since most financial issues in marriage are caused by lack of communication, it is no wonder that so many couples go into far too much debt than they can handle before they are forced to stop and talk about it. Imagine adding on top of normal financial stress the weight of the bankruptcy proceedings, and stir in bad communication and presto, all the makings of a messy divorce.

Of course, Bankruptcy and Divorce are not always the wrong answer and may sometimes be the only choice for some couples. However, when over 1/2 of all first marriages end in divorce and nearly a 1/3 of the population filed for Bankruptcy last year, something is not right. What is missing in both of these cases is commitment.

Marriages that have strong commitment levels have a higher likelihood of success. In fact, those marriages that have commitments beyond the grave have fewer divorce rates, some as low a LDS temple marriage of only 6% (Lobdell, 2000).
Marriages that also have commitment to financial responsibility learn to communicate about it and make smarter financial decisions to prevent Bankruptcy. Dave Ramsey, (2007) in his book The Total Money Makeover, explains that bankruptcy is not the solution and instead just a symptom of people who are not committed to living financial responsible lives. He says that after bankruptcy it is then easier to go file again and again. The same is true for divorces that once you divorce the first time, the chances for divorce increase with each next marriage.

Remember that once a couple does file for bankruptcy their chances of divorce increase and vices versa. Decide to commit today to being a better spouse and to get your financial situation in order. We need to wake up and save this country from the Twin Terrors that Bankruptcy and Divorce leave behind and create a better future for the America of tomorrow.

For more information visit the Thriving Marriage Institute at www.travisparry.com.

Reference

http://www.womansdivorce.com/divorce-and-bankruptcy.html

http://www.bankruptcylawnetwork.com/2008/02/03/does-bankruptcy-cause-divorce/http:

http://www.creditcards.com/credit-card-news/bankruptcy-filings-2009-1276.php

Ramsey, D., (2007). The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness. Thomas Nelson Inc. Nashville, TE.

Rose M. Kreider and Jason M. Fields, “Number, Timing, and Duration of
Marriages and Divorces: 1996″, U.S. Census Bureau Current Population Reports, February 2002, p. 18.

William Lobdell, Holy Matrimony: In an Era of Divorce Mormon Temple Weddings are Built to Last in Los Angeles Times, 8 April 2000;

Law of Attraction

When you first met your spouse there was probably something special about him/her that attracted the two of you together. No, it wasn’t just Cupid, Chemistry, Looks, Personality, or a spiritual prompting. Something else was also involved in this experience.  In psychology we call it the Law of Attraction.

The Law of Attraction says that what we put out to the universe will eventually come back to us. Scriptures refer to the Law of Attraction as the Law of the Harvest or “what we sow is what we reap”. So if we are thinking negative thoughts we will most likely have negative experiences and positive thoughts will produce positive results. These laws are also true for the types of relationships that we attract. In fact the kinds of people that we associate with and the spouse that we have chosen is a product of our own use of the law of attraction.

Recently I was consulting with a woman who complained how her life was a failure because of her husband. She began explaining in detail their relationship and after a few minutes I asked her to “stop”. Then I simply asked her to raise her her hand and point her finger at her husband in the next room. I asked her how many fingers were pointed back at her. She chuckled but understood the point that she had to stop complaining and go to work on herself.

In reality the best way to attract a new relationship or improve your current relationship is to improve you. By making changes to yourself you are actually changing the perception that you see in other people. As your perception changes and you improve yourself others will want to be more like you and the Law of Attraction will come full circle.

So next time you find something in your “helpmeet”, or anyone, that you find annoying or that needs improvement; try changing your attitude. Instead of pointing the finger, try giving a compliment and/or think of 3 things that you are grateful for that person. Then pay attention to how this improves your relationship by changing your perception and attracting positive behavior back.

Remember the Law of Attraction is a law and like gravity works 24/7 whether you like it or not. Choose to either attract positive behavior and people or negative. Choose this Valentine’s Day to make a positive change and use the Law of Attraction to attract a better relationship.